No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize