i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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