apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
