Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
