Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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