Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
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