My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
