I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
