Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
