mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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