I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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