I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
