Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
