Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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