The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dicks are not precious.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
