and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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