do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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