Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize