Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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