I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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