i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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