Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
