I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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