I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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