Just fell off a train. Bad.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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