Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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