Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
