Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Randomize
