normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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