Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
