If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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