I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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