You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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