I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
