I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
