...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
