I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
