I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
