I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
