the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
