Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
