I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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