i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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