I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
be right there i have to get my cape
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize