dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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