Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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