Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
