So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
