between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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