i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
