My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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