my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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