Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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