fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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