Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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