don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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