Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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