I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
