Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
