Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We need to get me chipped asap
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
