Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Randomize
