Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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