I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
