I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
