I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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