So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
