you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
