I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
