I only kidnapped one of them. chill
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
